I actively told myself that this is indeed a big deal. Even after understanding this I still felt my inner child just rationalising it as not a big deal, my identity of a moral, productive guy was still protecting my inner child from any dissonance. I build up a whole identity just so it can protect me from having to accept my low self esteem.
Merry clickmas decorations list Patch#
The only reason I wanted to help people is because it raised my low self esteem (it gave me value), the reason I use my rationality so much is to patch up my low self esteem. I worked a lot on pretending I had confidence, on making sure I was smarter than my surrounding and on not allowing emotions to affect me. Trying to do that, I realised how my entire life was build around me not wanting to accept it. I had to do one thing that I was afraid of my entire life. For 2-3 days I was spending my time finding out what my core value is. In the click I saw a quick way of fixing it but after a talk with athene I knew it won't come without turning myself inside out. I was afraid to bring this up to myself and in a way I was just waiting for someone to fix those problems for me. And no matter how many insights I got, I never experienced much progress in those regards. Sometimes I caught myself doing something for validation or lying to myself to lower dissonance. But I always knew something is not right. I lived healthy, had a lot of insights, had a big awareness and perspective and was very productive. Being here in the crew for 10 months I saw myself already as very logical. 2 weeks ago when Tim clicked and Athene was hyping up everybody about how amazing this is, I also wanted it.
My name is Stas and I am part of the Athenecrew. Its long and becomes weird at the end but i just tried to be as honest and personal as possible :) "Today I wanted to share with you guys my click story. PreClick Believes/Troubles: Surpressed emotions, low self esteem In this moment all my bullshit just dropped from me." "Just by random chance, In all the chaos, logic managed to be able to understand itself. 2.5 Name: Internetz-User (Salthene on twitch/discord).
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